One Year Later

Yeah....so if you have been reading or know me in real life, then you are probably aware that I keep things pretty real...even here where it's all out in the open. So things are about to get pretty raw...

Some days when I think about him it seems impossible that he isn't here. Even when I walk through the  memories of this day last year it still feels like a dream, not something that I lived. But I can still remember everything as if I were watching it all in a horror movie that I can't seem to turn off.

Andrew & Me

 Monday, October 31. I was playing on my computer about to leave for Body Pump when Mom first called to tell me about the rumor but not to panic. I immediately called Daniel and just started crying because I was afraid it was true. I pulled it together and went to the gym to help keep me from over worrying. Then I went home and waited for what seemed like an eternity for her to call back. I remember Mom lying to me about how she still didn't know anything because she thought I was home alone and wanted someone to be there with me (I understand why you did that, but never do that again. I really can handle more than you realize!) It's like I could feel the truth coming the way my anxiety and heart rate were rising.

About 5min later she called and told me Andrew was dead. My heart shattered. I asked if Mom wanted to call Dad, or if she wanted me to. Of course she wanted to do it, but I offered because I wanted to do whatever I could for her. We got off the phone I can't remember if I called my boss or Daniel next. After enough time had passed for Mom to call Dad, I called him to check in. This is the second time I've heard my father cry (the first when I left for Houston after Tech graduation). I remember that Cole, Brittany, and Emma came over. But I was too busy talking to family to see them. I booked my flight home and just cried until the tears stopped coming. I couldn't sleep and didn't want to. I've always been like that when bad things happen. It's like I feel that once the next day starts it makes everything official. Luckily Lindsey had weird nurse hours so she was up when I called at 2am.

The next morning I went to work super early to try and miss my coworkers so I could put my out of offices on and get everything in order for Stacy to cover for me. That was awkward when my boss caught me. I got home, cleaned the pantry, and talked to Kayla (she's rather good in these situations) and just waited for my flight. I'm so glad that B was able to take me because Mom ended up calling and mentioned how we would be viewing the body...for some reason seeing the body is something that didn't even cross my mind, and made me nauseated at the thought.

I landed in Amarillo and Kara had told her mom about the situation so Melissa met me at the airport with a box of cookies from the bakery. This worked out perfectly because my Mom was still at the Police station, so now I wasn't stranded. I was able to catch the end of the meeting with the detective and give attitude to an authority figure of this sort for the first time in my life. I still don't understand how they "dropped the ball" and we didn't find out he was dead until 4 days later. After the police station we went to the funeral home to make the arrangements. We had dinner and this is probably the last time that I ate a full meal over the next few months.

Andrew, Dad, Me

The next day we saw the body. Dad met us at Grandma's house so we could all go together. I was really worried about how Marshall was doing with all of this, so I made sure he wanted to go in. I told him that he didn't have to, but whatever he decided I would be right there with him the whole time. When we pulled up Dad started crying and didn't get out of the car for a bit. When we walked into the funeral home Mom was already in there, I could hear her wailing. Marshall was wearing shock face, so I asked him again what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to go in. I linked his arm and we went in together. We got halfway across the room and he broke down. I pulled him in for the eternal hug and just held him. And told him that we were going to be ok and that Andrew is safe now. I didn't really cry at all, which I think freaked Mom out. I just prefer to do my crying in private if I can help it. And I felt like I needed to be strong for my parents and Marshall; someone needs to have it together. It was so weird to see him. It didn't look like him, especially the way they had his hair done.

After that traumatizing experience we went back to grandma's and finished picking out pictures for the slide show. That was actually pretty fun (minus the circumstance) because we got to look through a lot of pictures from our childhood. It's funny because before we had Marshall all of the pictures are me & Andrew. But once Marshall arrived I think I was forgotten because they were all of Marsh & Andrew.

The next day was the funeral. Daniel came up for that which was nice at the time, but looking back I wish that he hadn't. It was a nice service, even though I can't really remember what was said. And it was incredible how many of Andrews friends came. There were so many that  people had to sit in the choir loft and there were still kids standing. Everyone filed through and hugged us...well not me because most people probably wondered who the random girl sitting with Andrew's family is. Which is fine because it's all a pretty awkward situation. It was weird knowing that was the last time I would ever lay my eyes on him. Mom & Dad kissed his forehead and Marshall touched his hair before we closed the casket. I didn't touch it because it was just too much. Then we headed out to the burial. It was cold - very fitting. A few more words were spoken, we all laid hands on the casket, more hugs, then we said goodbye.

The church put together a really nice dinner for the family. The mood was definitely lighter as we all just chatted and ate. After what seemed like an eternity we got ready to leave.

That night Marshall and I went to Dad's house. We just spoke about memories, ate mint m&m's, and managed not to cry.

The rest of the week was a blur of depression mixed with family time. My mind is still boggled as I try to comprehend what happened, what went wrong. One of our last emails, though it had been months earlier, he told me about how he was enjoying family time and was finally clean...

Marshall, Me, Andrew, Mom

I still think about him every day, and figure that will never change. No matter how much I try I will never understand why people do drugs. I think part of why Andrew did it was to escape feeling down. But even dealing with the most painful stuff that life gives you (like this), I'd much rather feel it than be numb, which is why I can't understand when people chose the numbness. It always reminds me of this convo from Garden State:

Andrew Largeman: Fuck, this hurts so much. 
Sam: I know it hurts. That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have. 

To end on a positive note...some of Andrew's friends have cleaned their lives up. So at least there's that.

Pole 3.5

I hit up open pole to have a spin fest and to focus on the invert. aka - my usual session.

The spins are feeling good on the right, so now I need to start practicing my left. I had taken a break from them since my body has been in shambles for what seems like forever (since June).

Cierra and I had joked before about how the shoes give you power, but I think she was on to something. I have noticed that most of my spins (with the exception of the v-spin) are all better with the shoes. It must be the 6 inches of added height.

I even flip camed a set of spins to show the parents since I'm not about to share a graduation video that's full of body and hip rolls.

And the invert? After straight up kicking the pole with my bare feet and jamming some toes two week in a row, I am happy to report that I'm getting it consistently! I do have to kick into it still, but progress is progress! I got it about 5 times in a row without the shoes, and 3 times with the shoes before my body was exhausted.

So when class time came the following week I was pumped. Too bad that at bodypump I actually did get pumped by increasing my back weights so my muscles were a little tired...

After warm up we started with free style floor work. I'm getting better at it. But by better I don't mean that I will ever claim it as something that I'm good at. And do you know how hard it is to do floor work for about 4 min when you still don't have full hip movement? Really hard. That cuts out at least half of the moves that I can do!

I probably had my best set of pole circuits this day than I've had all level! I even managed to walk into my invert. #skills.

New skills:

• V-up into invert - Basically you just do a v kick, but invert at the same time.
• Twizzler (or corkscrew): You basically walk around, grab high with your outside hand above the inside hand, and lift while keeping your legs together and your body facing out, try to snake your body around the pole (your back is to the pole) and spin once your inside foot hits the ground. (YouTube it). As you spin it helps if you can kind of hula your hips.

I did get the V up into invert. It wasn't pretty or graceful, but I got it one time before my body said it had reached it's invert limit for the day.

As for the twizzler. ugh. I was having a lot of trouble with this one. My upper body was fatigued from my weights class so I wasn't getting as much lift as I typically do. I was frustrated. This will be #1 on my practice list for open pole.

I didn't leave this class walking on sunshine, but with practice I'm pretty sure I'll get these skills down and can return to fun pole Jes.

Life Coach Croc

Croc, Adam, & I have kind of become our own wolf pack.

It happened naturally because we:
1. are all single so we have free time to hang.
2. all love Halo.
3. like to hit up Wild West.

This particular Thursday the three of us hit up Wild West. As I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before, this is Croc's least favorite time to go because the lady selection is very low. Which makes it my fave time to go because it's not too crowded so there's always room to do spins, and we are usually the best dancers there! (I love being the best!)

The dancing was fabulous! I was doing so good that Croc accused me of coming to Wild West without them! As if I could even do that - none of my other friends are really into the country dancing thing.

As the night wore on I 1. got a brief history about gun registration that led into Hitler and his war strategy. Very educational because I like history, just not enough to really remember the details of it. 2. Croc basically designated himself as my life coach.

He made some good points:

• How are you going to find a husband if you won't put yourself out there?
• He told me how pretty I am and how I have so much to offer. (I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks so).

But then he almost got slapped when he said that him & Adam weren't going to dance with me because it's time I put myself out there...then he attempted to pick up my chair (with me in it) so he could place me by the dance floor until I danced with a stranger.

He then decided that it must be a self confidence issue. Thanks? But it's actually not that at all. I'm very confident in myself and what I have to offer. In fact, I feel bad for anyone that's missing out.

The problem is this: I'm stubborn. When I decide on something, it's all that I want. I can't be bothered with anything else during this time, so I just wait Wait to die, wait to live, wait for an absolution which would never come while I figure out what the eff I'm supposed to do when I can't have it. So I've been waiting for this one track mind set to pass.

Exactly. Damon knows best.

After thinking about Croc's life coaching for a few days and Damon reminding me of what I want, I knew what I had to do. I came up with a new plan that involves me actually not being so off putting and closed off if/when boys try to talk to me. But until I find the new winner of my love and affection I have plenty of friends and activities to keep me busy and mostly fulfilled.

Happy Birthday Baby Marsh!

Today is my baby brother's 17th birthday!

And yes, I'm pretty sure he doesn't like when I call him my baby brother or baby marsh. But I can't help it. We are 9 years apart and he is the youngest, therefor making him the baby by default.

I still remember going to see him when he was born. Andrew and I were in our Halloween costumes because we had pictures that day. I can't remember if I was thrilled to have another brother or not, but either way he has grown on me over the years.

I wish that Marshall could stay a little kid forever, but there are perks to him getting older. The main one being that he's tall and strong enough to give me piggy back rides!

I am very blessed to have a brother as smart, clever, and funny as him.

Awesome & Awkward Friday

This was a short week since I was on holiday Monday. It was cram packed with activities and I think I might be suffering from a sleep deficit, so naps will def be scheduled in on Sunday...hopefully.

Linking up with From My Grey Desk to share my fave 5 things from the week.

1. Even though the cherry donuts disappointed, these fresh donut holes helped to warm my cold heart.

2. We ate outside for girls dinner. The table next to us consisted of 3 mom's and 2 screaming kids. And I don't mean screaming because they are throwing a fit, but screaming just to make noise. It was rather annoying. I gave them a nice sssssshhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHH! That started out kind of quiet, then crescendoed (is that even a word when you add the ed?). I wish I could share with you the mental picture of their shock. BUT the mom's did tell the kids to quite down after that.

3. The new bodyjam release is amazing! I can't wait to hit that up again tomorrow morning.

4. My phone is crazy. I've been up for an upgrade for months, but I had decided to keep my droid until it kicked it since it's only a year old. I think that time is coming. Last night I was making a call but it wouldn't accept my click. So i kept clicking on call...about 7 times. FINALLY it made the call, but then it started trying to conference in the same person about 6 times since I had tapped on the call button. What is that?!? I couldn't get it to stop so I had to restart my phone. I don't want to get rid of Droid, but its like he's sabotaging himself to force me into the loving embrace of the iphone.

5.  This week I went with brownies - nothing fancy in it, just brownies. The original gangster, if you will. (I will.)