Help Me, I'm Weird.

Solo Date Night

I've always kind of kept to myself. Mass socialization is not something that I'm typically into unless I know 75% of the people there...so this means I have become accustomed to hanging out by myself. Yep, I'm very introverted.

It all started back in college when my boyfriend and I had broken up, I hadn't made friends yet, but the new Underworld movie had just come out and I was dying to see it....so I took myself. 

Since then this has become a typical self activity. I would def say that in the last year I've gone to the movies by myself more than I have with friends. I'm so used to it that I don't even think about inviting anyone until I'm telling my friends about how I spent my weekend. (I'm working on it.)

Ok, so that's kind of odd....but not super weird, right?

Well, since I've been back to living on my own this last year I have also picked up the habit of taking myself to dinner. Sometimes I'll take a book, but often times I'm just chilling by myself.

This only gets obviously awkward when I say my thoughts outloud without realizing it. Def caught a few looks. 

It's not like I'm having a two way convo or anything, but you know.

This has also happened at the gym. The other day I was on my last shoulder set and my left arm just wasn't moving. So I sat down the weight in my right hand, looked at my left arm, poked it and said "well, come on." Didn't mean to say that out loud...and the guy next to me didn't have headphones in so he asked if I was ok, but it seemed like an "are you mentally sound?" ok. So I told him, "Yeah, my shoulder just needs some encouragement."

Am I the only one? Or can all of us weirdos unite?

Forever Alone

Words. Often times I have an over abundance of them, but in moments when I need them the most they seem to be fleeting.

As I start typing this I'm completely unsure of what words will come out next.

So I broke up with Steve. I've written about him a bit on this since our first date to Lindsey's wedding (I still can't believe he accepted the invitation), and every wonderful thing I've written about him was and still is true.

I thought about not writing, but I've covered so many other awkward life moments that I figured this should be included because it is significant. I had done some casual dating in the last two years following that one time my heart was severed from my chest, but Steve was the first boy that I felt invested in. He was the first boy that wasn't chosen just to be a distraction while my heart healed.

Breaking up with Steve was a surprise to both of us. The feeling had started to inch into my mind, but I ignored it because I know how emotionally irrational I can be and figured it would pass. The weekend before my birthday the feeling intensified until Monday afternoon I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack if I didn't rip the band aid off and do it that night.

I talked with my mom and tried to sort out my feelings and figure out what's wrong with me. When I tried to go the logical route of pros and cons I couldn't sort why I felt this way because there were very few cons, and nothing of real significance. So far he's the only boy that I've dated that did every thing right. He always treated me well, didn't make me doubt what he was up to, would listen to me talk for hours about every trivial thing from my day and thought process, and we didn't really argue.

Can you imagine breaking up with someone and not being able to give a clear reason other than it just doesn't feel right for you anymore? Yeah, not a good time for either party. Hurting Steve was the worst part of this. When I was crying to my mom about it, my tears weren't for me but rather for how I would hurt him and didn't want to do that.

But alas I did. and it's over. and I lost a really good friend. and I'm back to forever alone, party of 1.

Chocolate Covered Stuffed Brownie Cups

I love making brownie cups because they are easy to share and just so cute!

My fave way to eat them is stuffed with peanut butter & Oreo's...but today I took it a step further and dipped the whole brownie cup into white chocolate & milk chocolate bark.

Chocolate Covered Stuffed Brownie Cups
2 eggs

1/2 + 1/8 c cocoa powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tbs vanilla extract

1 stick of butter

1 1/8 c sugar

3/4 c flour

1/2 c chocolate chips
15 Oreos
15 tbs Peanut Butter (appx)
15 cupcake liners
1 package bark (I used vanilla and chocolate, so chose whatever you like)

• Preheat oven to 350* and put liners in cupcake pan.
• Beat the eggs, cocoa, salt, baking powder, and vanilla until smooth.
• In a separate bowl microwave to melt the butter, add the sugar, and stir. Microwave a little longer until hot. It should become shiny as you stir. Heat once more (about 1 min)- this will create a shiny top crust on the brownies.
• Add the hot butter/sugar mix to the chocolate concoction and stir until smooth.
• Mix in the flour (in three parts) and chocolate chips.
• Pour a little bit of batter into the bottom of each liner (I used my 1" cookie scoop, filling it about 3/4 of the way)
• Spread peanut butter on top of an Oreo, place it in the liner on top of the brownie batter (do this 15 times), then scoop more batter on top until the cookie is covered.
• Bake for 15 min, let cool.
• Once cool, melt chocolate bark (1min, then 30sec intervals until smooth), dip the brownie cups, let the bark set, then enjoy!

No New Memories

I still think about Andrew every day. Most days I feel fine about things, well, as fine as one can feel.

But other days it's more intense and then I fall into a funk about it that can last days or even weeks.

The worst is when I am doing things that trigger memories from our child hood.

• A few weeks ago I took myself to Olive Garden for dinner, and as I sat there people watching I felt like I was getting sucked back into the memories of all the times that we would go there. OG was the one place that we all agreed on (my family really like seafood and Chinese, but I wasn't on board). I just remember dinner being full of laughs, telling stories, and battling out for the last bread stick. It made me sad to once again realize that we won't ever make those memories, jokes, and laughs, all together ever again.

• I ran across Veggie Tales the other day and it reminded me of when Andrew had the Veggie Christmas cd. We listened to it so much that we not only knew all of the songs, but all of the talking parts. I'm sure it drove mom crazy because that's all we would play on his cd player, and in the car.

• The other night I had a dream that Marshall and I were traveling and he said he had something for me. When he reentered the room with Andrew behind him I asked him how he did it, he said not to worry about it because we didn't have much time. I love and hate those dreams. I can feel my dream self debating if this is a dream or real life, and how it could maybe be true...only to wake up to the harsh reality that my brother is gone.

Everyday does get easier as I find myself living in this new normal that is my life. 

It just scares me to know that as time goes on my memories will fade. Sometimes when I think of him it feels more like a memory of a TV show and not something that was real in my life. And I hate that. Maybe that's my brains way of moving on, but when that happens I try to recall as much as I can about him, the past, those hard days of saying goodbye, and look through his pictures. 

Friendship Promotion

I recently decided to promote Holly from just work friend to real life friend. She hit her 100 point plan and It's going pretty well.

What Holl's didn't know is that her bf had actually planned a surprise party for that weekend. So in order to not look like a crap friend and have her think I was skipping her bday, I had to squeeze it in after Amanda's bday dinner and break my self appointed curfew.

Jess, Amanda, Mandy, Me

We hit up Rebels for some much needed two stepping. I'm so glad that Bob was there because he is a most excellent dancer and knows how to lead. Lucky for Matthew, I was there and am a very patient teacher. You might actually believe that he lives in Texas with his new skill set.

I toasted to Holly at midnight...with a water shot. The most delish shot I've ever had. #waterwasted

I'm glad that I crawled out of my cave because I had such a good time.

Saturday we met at the pool for Holl's next bday celebration. Her face when we yelled "Happy Birthday" was priceless. I imagine that's what I look like when surprised. You could see confusion as she tried to process what was happening and why. Awesome.

The boys grilled up some delish burgers and brats while Andy unloaded the most expansive travel bar I've ever seen.....I sense an intervention might be needed.

Me + Holly

The rest of the evening was spent in the pool getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. 

Holls was finally ready to go out around midnight...only to discover she had left her ID at her parents house. wah wah.

So I said my goodbyes and headed home to my bed that had been missing me so much!