And then I turned 28

back in August.

I don't want to say my whole birthday was a complete disaster - the day part was good, I had some good friends at dinner (and I got to hold baby CJ for like an hour, which was really the best gift of all), but the after dinner part is where it all fell apart. After a quick phone call to my mom...involving tears (I don't really want to get too into that), I pulled my shit together, decided to salvage the evening and headed to Croc's surprise party.  It was a good time, and when I got home I promptly dropped my phone when getting out of my car (I forgot it was in my lap), and ruined the screen...for the third time...in a little over one month. I just starting laughing - you know the whole is this real life, I think I'm losing my mind, why is this happening laugh.

Got up early, stopped by my new fave hangout Dr. Cellphone and got my phone back in working order. Then hit up Jam at QLF, then Westside, because sometimes the only answer is to dance and dance some more!

And then that night I had Steven's 30th bday party to hit up. I had invited an acquaintanceish friend of the boy variety to attend with me in an attempt to buffer any awkwardness I would feel since I wasn't sure how many people I would know, and I hadn't seen Marc in about 1.5 years (and naturally things didn't end on a good notes) and figured he might be there. Well, the boy basically vanished (which is rude, at least cancel on me!), but it was still a good time. It was so great to spend some time with Jess, Amanda, and Mandy. And of course baby Charlie!

Anyway, now that I summarize bday weekend happenings, I figured I'd get to what this year is already like, and what I plan to do.

1. One theme that's become apparent over these last 4 months is that this year is going to be full of people disappointing me and being rude to me. I'm not going to go into detail because I'd really rather not remember these instances.
2. Because of this already reoccurring theme, I've learned that I will grow in patience and forgiveness this year.
3. I've decided to try more things (new, some old) this year. And I may even document it here! (oooohhhh, ahhhhhh) But maybe not because sometimes I just like to keep it all private . (Who is this person? Surly not the girl that used to over share on her blog!)

It's Britney Bitch

I saw Britney twice during her Circus tour, and once on the Femme Fatale tour. But those didn't compare to Britney in Vegas!

Obviously it's an over the top show. But I was most impressed with her dancing. Def not as good as the early years, which is understandable, but the best that post-break down Britney has done!

I sang, I danced, I may have cried. It was incredible.

I Ate An M&M

and it made me think of mint M&M's.

And all of a sudden I am back there.

Sitting at my dad's table. The night of the funeral. Eating mint M&M's. Remembering him. Laughing to keep from crying, because we had done more than enough of that, and would do even more for weeks on end. Months even. And maybe even my whole life.

Sharing stories between the two of us and Marsh. In the back of my mind I'm trying to process everything, while also trying to figure out how to fix this for Marshall. Realizing I'm completely hopeless. And the distance from Sunray to Houston doesn't help.

And then I'm suddenly back in the present, walking through the mall and fighting back tears. Realizing that it hurts different than it used to. It has gotten better these last (almost) three years, but it hasn't gone away. It will never go away.

Is this what loss is like? An infinite sadness that dulls over time, but still leaving you incomplete? Because it sucks. It all sucks. The dreams, the memories, the feelings. I just want to hug my brother again.

Exhausted

I always thought I wanted to be married and maybe have kids, but at this point I'm lacking a worthy partner and time is against me because I don't want to rush into either part out of desperation.

Because desperate is the last thing that I am - otherwise I'm pretty sure I could have accomplished the whole husband thing by now.

I have managed to set up a full life for myself. I have activities and hobbies, and loads of friends that keep me busy. (I've been exhausted this whole year because my weekends are typically packed with socialization not leaving much room for sleep or naps.)

But then Sunday afternoon comes. And you will typically find me on the couch netflixin. Board out of my mind. Thinking that these are the exact moments that I need a companion (You know, and when my light bulbs go out and I'd rather have someone else change them for me). When I just want to sit and do nothing, or talk about non sensical things. But alas, it's just me.

So I tried to remedy this and spent some time dating this year  I've been on a few first dates this year and cancelled and didn't reschedule a few more. No second dates. The first dates weren't bad, they just weren't "the one," or at least the next one. And I just can't be bothered to force something to happen - who has the time and energy to play pretend?

So this brings me to this: I'm exhausted! I'm tired of meeting new people and making small talk - sometimes the same conversations just different participants. I just can't be bothered anymore.

So if you are out there, it's your turn to come find me.

And when you do, you probably won't get this response:

Source

I'm far too irritated at this point...so it will be more of a "Where the eff have you been? You are soooo late! I'm glad you finally showed up, but WTF?!?" But once I get that out, you'll totally love hanging out with me...FOREVER.

My First Rodeo

Mike finally came to Texas. He had training and it coincided with the Houston Rodeo.

It's weird, but nice, how my relationship has evolved with Mike over the years. Right now we are in the friendship stage.

He didn't have anything to do Wed after work so I invited him to the gym with me. I didn't think he'd accept. He did. It was so weird/ surreal / I'm not sure which word to use here to have him in my car and at my gym as if this was everyday life. We talked about his experience with the crack heads downtown ( I didn't think to warn him not to leave his hotel at night) and how he doesn't like Houston because everyone is really nice...except me but he says that's why we get along. (Thanks?)

Friday night I met with Mike and his college friend bff Coop (who actually lives in Houston) so we could head to the Rodeo. I was pretty excited because I hadn't been before, and after all of the new things that Mike has introduced me to it was pretty cool to have the tables turned.

I really liked the events and will def go again. Watching Mike was like watching a kid at Christmas. He kept taking video, rewatching it, and sharing it with us. We then hit up the fair for a bit so the boys could try their hand at the games. It was pretty amusing.

After the rodeo we hit up Midtown for a non stop dance party. Coop & Mike decided to keep their rodeo gear on, bolo ties and cowboy hats included. When people would point out how they looked like Cowboys they would start using their southern accents. I couldn't believe how many people thought they were authentic.

He says that he's a hard core New Yorker and will never leave, but I really think he would like Houston.