I'll Be Seeing You

I dreamt about Andrew for the first time since he died.

I knew this would happen eventually and was scared because my dreams are vivid and usually feel real.

I was in the living room and I just knew he was there. He had some kid with him that he was trying to help with something. I kept hugging him and touching him every time he passed by and he kept looking at me like I was weird. In the dream I knew that he was going to die and that I couldn't change it or tell anyone, so I kept trying to figure out the date so I would know how much time I had left with him. I couldn't find it on my phone, I couldn't find a paper, and no one would tell me. So I just tried to stay calm and kept hugging him every chance I got.

This was my last dream of the night and it was still happening when my alarm went off, so I kept snoozing it for about an hour so I would have more time with Andrew. It really sucked when I finally woke up to realize that it had already happened and that I won't see him on earth again.

Andrew, Dad, Me. The last time I saw Andrew. March 2011.

Sometimes I forget it happened and I catch myself thinking about what to get him for his birthday next week and for Christmas and how fun it will be to have the whole family together at Christmas just like last year...only to realize the truth. He's gone, and he's not coming back. He has left this emptiness, this hole, inside of me that I think will always be there. When it gets too hard, I just try to think about how I don't have to worry about him anymore. I don't have to dread getting the call, because I already got it.