I Ate An M&M

and it made me think of mint M&M's.

And all of a sudden I am back there.

Sitting at my dad's table. The night of the funeral. Eating mint M&M's. Remembering him. Laughing to keep from crying, because we had done more than enough of that, and would do even more for weeks on end. Months even. And maybe even my whole life.

Sharing stories between the two of us and Marsh. In the back of my mind I'm trying to process everything, while also trying to figure out how to fix this for Marshall. Realizing I'm completely hopeless. And the distance from Sunray to Houston doesn't help.

And then I'm suddenly back in the present, walking through the mall and fighting back tears. Realizing that it hurts different than it used to. It has gotten better these last (almost) three years, but it hasn't gone away. It will never go away.

Is this what loss is like? An infinite sadness that dulls over time, but still leaving you incomplete? Because it sucks. It all sucks. The dreams, the memories, the feelings. I just want to hug my brother again.

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