9 months

I can't believe so much time has passed. It feels like you are still here even though I know you aren't. I miss you so much. It's getting better. Well, better probably isn't the right word, but you know. Sometimes I can go a few weeks before I get really down about it, so that's progress, right?

I haven't been home since Christmas because I know there isn't even a possibility of me seeing you, which makes it all the more real. I don't want to see your picture hanging on the wall that we used in the obituary, and I don't want to know that I'm in such close proximity to your grave.

Usually when I dream about you they are nightmares of me trying to save you from who you had become. But lately they have been better - you've been trying to save me. It's weird being in dreamland and trying to sort out the reality of what's happening. Luckily I can usually remember that it's all fake and that you are gone, but sometimes I wake up thinking about what you are doing...then reality sets in.

Last night I had a dream that Marshall and I were at some family reunion with family that we didn't really know. One of our cousins (I suppose) started kind of taunting Marsh about how he didn't have a brother anymore. (In dream world Marshall is usually much younger and comes up to my shoulder). I went over to her, said some choice words, and punched her right in her face. Mom was mortified, but I think you would have been proud of my right hook.

I still talk about you often...after all I do have 20 years worth of memories. I don't always use the correct tense and people don't notice when I do because it's such a small word (like/liked, has/had, etc) to catch. The other day someone was asking about my brothers, so I told them. I prefaced it with "I did have two brothers; it's complicated. I'm about to tell you something and I don't want you to feel awkward about it." Yeah, they still felt awkward about it.

I still miss you dearly, but I guess I always will.


  1. if I could send you a hug I would. I don't really know what happened, but I'm sending all my happy thoughts your way. xoxo

  2. Thanks Rachael. My brother passed away last october, so it's been a long healing process.