Forever Alone

Words. Often times I have an over abundance of them, but in moments when I need them the most they seem to be fleeting.

As I start typing this I'm completely unsure of what words will come out next.

So I broke up with Steve. I've written about him a bit on this since our first date to Lindsey's wedding (I still can't believe he accepted the invitation), and every wonderful thing I've written about him was and still is true.

I thought about not writing, but I've covered so many other awkward life moments that I figured this should be included because it is significant. I had done some casual dating in the last two years following that one time my heart was severed from my chest, but Steve was the first boy that I felt invested in. He was the first boy that wasn't chosen just to be a distraction while my heart healed.

Breaking up with Steve was a surprise to both of us. The feeling had started to inch into my mind, but I ignored it because I know how emotionally irrational I can be and figured it would pass. The weekend before my birthday the feeling intensified until Monday afternoon I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack if I didn't rip the band aid off and do it that night.

I talked with my mom and tried to sort out my feelings and figure out what's wrong with me. When I tried to go the logical route of pros and cons I couldn't sort why I felt this way because there were very few cons, and nothing of real significance. So far he's the only boy that I've dated that did every thing right. He always treated me well, didn't make me doubt what he was up to, would listen to me talk for hours about every trivial thing from my day and thought process, and we didn't really argue.

Can you imagine breaking up with someone and not being able to give a clear reason other than it just doesn't feel right for you anymore? Yeah, not a good time for either party. Hurting Steve was the worst part of this. When I was crying to my mom about it, my tears weren't for me but rather for how I would hurt him and didn't want to do that.

But alas I did. and it's over. and I lost a really good friend. and I'm back to forever alone, party of 1.

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