Lessons From Last Night

Time doesn't heal all wounds, it just makes it easier to keep your shit together.

Also, 2011 really did happen. It wasn't just a bad dream.

And then I turned 28

back in August.

I don't want to say my whole birthday was a complete disaster - the day part was good, I had some good friends at dinner (and I got to hold baby CJ for like an hour, which was really the best gift of all), but the after dinner part is where it all fell apart. After a quick phone call to my mom...involving tears (I don't really want to get too into that), I pulled my shit together, decided to salvage the evening and headed to Croc's surprise party.  It was a good time, and when I got home I promptly dropped my phone when getting out of my car (I forgot it was in my lap), and ruined the screen...for the third time...in a little over one month. I just starting laughing - you know the whole is this real life, I think I'm losing my mind, why is this happening laugh.

Got up early, stopped by my new fave hangout Dr. Cellphone and got my phone back in working order. Then hit up Jam at QLF, then Westside, because sometimes the only answer is to dance and dance some more!

And then that night I had Steven's 30th bday party to hit up. I had invited an acquaintanceish friend of the boy variety to attend with me in an attempt to buffer any awkwardness I would feel since I wasn't sure how many people I would know, and I hadn't seen Marc in about 1.5 years (and naturally things didn't end on a good notes) and figured he might be there. Well, the boy basically vanished (which is rude, at least cancel on me!), but it was still a good time. It was so great to spend some time with Jess, Amanda, and Mandy. And of course baby Charlie!

Anyway, now that I summarize bday weekend happenings, I figured I'd get to what this year is already like, and what I plan to do.

1. One theme that's become apparent over these last 4 months is that this year is going to be full of people disappointing me and being rude to me. I'm not going to go into detail because I'd really rather not remember these instances.
2. Because of this already reoccurring theme, I've learned that I will grow in patience and forgiveness this year.
3. I've decided to try more things (new, some old) this year. And I may even document it here! (oooohhhh, ahhhhhh) But maybe not because sometimes I just like to keep it all private . (Who is this person? Surly not the girl that used to over share on her blog!)

It's Britney Bitch

I saw Britney twice during her Circus tour, and once on the Femme Fatale tour. But those didn't compare to Britney in Vegas!

Obviously it's an over the top show. But I was most impressed with her dancing. Def not as good as the early years, which is understandable, but the best that post-break down Britney has done!

I sang, I danced, I may have cried. It was incredible.

I Ate An M&M

and it made me think of mint M&M's.

And all of a sudden I am back there.

Sitting at my dad's table. The night of the funeral. Eating mint M&M's. Remembering him. Laughing to keep from crying, because we had done more than enough of that, and would do even more for weeks on end. Months even. And maybe even my whole life.

Sharing stories between the two of us and Marsh. In the back of my mind I'm trying to process everything, while also trying to figure out how to fix this for Marshall. Realizing I'm completely hopeless. And the distance from Sunray to Houston doesn't help.

And then I'm suddenly back in the present, walking through the mall and fighting back tears. Realizing that it hurts different than it used to. It has gotten better these last (almost) three years, but it hasn't gone away. It will never go away.

Is this what loss is like? An infinite sadness that dulls over time, but still leaving you incomplete? Because it sucks. It all sucks. The dreams, the memories, the feelings. I just want to hug my brother again.

Exhausted

I always thought I wanted to be married and maybe have kids, but at this point I'm lacking a worthy partner and time is against me because I don't want to rush into either part out of desperation.

Because desperate is the last thing that I am - otherwise I'm pretty sure I could have accomplished the whole husband thing by now.

I have managed to set up a full life for myself. I have activities and hobbies, and loads of friends that keep me busy. (I've been exhausted this whole year because my weekends are typically packed with socialization not leaving much room for sleep or naps.)

But then Sunday afternoon comes. And you will typically find me on the couch netflixin. Board out of my mind. Thinking that these are the exact moments that I need a companion (You know, and when my light bulbs go out and I'd rather have someone else change them for me). When I just want to sit and do nothing, or talk about non sensical things. But alas, it's just me.

So I tried to remedy this and spent some time dating this year  I've been on a few first dates this year and cancelled and didn't reschedule a few more. No second dates. The first dates weren't bad, they just weren't "the one," or at least the next one. And I just can't be bothered to force something to happen - who has the time and energy to play pretend?

So this brings me to this: I'm exhausted! I'm tired of meeting new people and making small talk - sometimes the same conversations just different participants. I just can't be bothered anymore.

So if you are out there, it's your turn to come find me.

And when you do, you probably won't get this response:

Source

I'm far too irritated at this point...so it will be more of a "Where the eff have you been? You are soooo late! I'm glad you finally showed up, but WTF?!?" But once I get that out, you'll totally love hanging out with me...FOREVER.

My First Rodeo

Mike finally came to Texas. He had training and it coincided with the Houston Rodeo.

It's weird, but nice, how my relationship has evolved with Mike over the years. Right now we are in the friendship stage.

He didn't have anything to do Wed after work so I invited him to the gym with me. I didn't think he'd accept. He did. It was so weird/ surreal / I'm not sure which word to use here to have him in my car and at my gym as if this was everyday life. We talked about his experience with the crack heads downtown ( I didn't think to warn him not to leave his hotel at night) and how he doesn't like Houston because everyone is really nice...except me but he says that's why we get along. (Thanks?)

Friday night I met with Mike and his college friend bff Coop (who actually lives in Houston) so we could head to the Rodeo. I was pretty excited because I hadn't been before, and after all of the new things that Mike has introduced me to it was pretty cool to have the tables turned.

I really liked the events and will def go again. Watching Mike was like watching a kid at Christmas. He kept taking video, rewatching it, and sharing it with us. We then hit up the fair for a bit so the boys could try their hand at the games. It was pretty amusing.

After the rodeo we hit up Midtown for a non stop dance party. Coop & Mike decided to keep their rodeo gear on, bolo ties and cowboy hats included. When people would point out how they looked like Cowboys they would start using their southern accents. I couldn't believe how many people thought they were authentic.

He says that he's a hard core New Yorker and will never leave, but I really think he would like Houston.

Maybe Kids Are A Bad Idea

Kids are still an undecided topic in my life.

Will I or won't I? It really depends on the day. (and what age I am if I ever get married, but that's...you know).

But my friends have kids that I really love and enjoy spending time with...until the weekend of the double bad babysit.

Saturday I babysat Kari's two girls. Abbers being almost 3 (crap, or is it almost 4?) is at a wonderful age. 1. She's potty trained 2. She's pretty self sufficient 3. She just wants to color and play play-doh with me.

MK is almost 2 and is teething.

Sadly for Kari (luckily for me) her dinner plans were cancelled so she was there with me for the first long bit. When she went to her concert I was left to fend for myself for about an hour before R came home to take over. That was the longest and most painful hour of my life.  MK was fussy - as in screaming (not just crying) - the whole time. Literally the whole hour.  I didn't even realize that a kid could scream for that long. I tried food, I changed her diaper, carried her, sang to her, played with her. and nothing worked. NOTHING. In that moment I realized motherhood might not be for me. And the fact that it took only an hour to break me reinforced the idea that motherhood might not be for me.

Sunday comes and I get to spend the day with Em and Logan. Emma is 2 and made of sugar and spice. You really never know what you are going to get. Logan is a few months old and smiles more than any other baby I've known. Their fuss factor is typically really low, so I was hopping this would renew my faith in the whole having kids sitch.

Instead of being the usual ball of sunshine, Logan was also breaking teeth and cried about half of the of the 6 hours I watched him. His cries were not as piercing as MK's the day before, so it didn't make me feel like I was going crazy.

And then we have Em. It was all fun and games until the last 30 min when she woke up from her nap and said to me "I pooped myself." I then notice that she's already diaperless. I now realize that she wears the diaper not just as a precaution, but because she's lazy with the potty training during nap time. There was so much shit. I'm very impressed that I managed now to dry heave when I picked up the diaper with a trash bag as a glove. Or when I was trying to clean her then gave up and put her in the bath.

After the poop fiasco I'm traumatized for life. Brit and Kari say that I will feel different when I have my own kids, but at this point I'm even too scared to babysit.

An Open Love Letter

This whole thing got way too deep and we should
Stop making a big deal out of the little things
Cause I got big deals and I got little things
Got everything I'm asking for but you
//
I'm a just
I'm a let my hands do the talking when I see you baby girl
I miss feeling on you, I miss everything that's real about you
And that's everything about you that's just how I feel about you
Been about you and I'm still about you

xx Drake - Mine

Are We Gonna Get Kidnapped? Or Nah?

My whole Saturday was pretty amaze!

 

I kicked it off with a few chapters of Divergent, Jam with Taffan, Sven, Sabrina, and FINALLLLLYYYYY Amanda! Followed that up with pump when Kate and Rox joined!

 

After an exhausting hour of throwing heavy shit around I had lunch (or a rice krispy as big as my head) with Amanda, Sven, Sabrina, and Corey at Central Market. It was my first time to talk to Amanda since she got back from Hong Kong so I was pretty excite about it. It was a sweet two hours of good stories and watching baby Joy move.

 

I then ran a few errands while chatting with my mom, then back home for more Divergent, an accidental nap, and of course more Divergent.

 

And finally the much anticipated (or anticipated for 24 hours since that's when we made plans) girls night!

 

I picked up Taff and we headed to Cyclone's for dinner with Roxanne, Ashley, and a few of her friends. The conversation was amusing, as always, and lots of laughs were shared. We then hit up Hughes Hanger to get the dance party started and so I could twist my ankle. I'm a trooper so that didn't stop the party! A little after Kat and her friend showed up we relocated to what was supposed to be Nox.

 

Alright, so we hop in my car and Taff maps Nox. We park in a shady parking lot (that's not paved and is all lose rocks and gravel) and walk to this building that looks like a place that people go to die. We get in the door and see there are maybe 20 people there, and the doorman tried to charge us a $10 cover. Ummm... no thanks. Taff and I want to leave and get a parking refund, but Kat gets the fee waved so we go in. The whole scene was weird. Turns out it's called Fox Hollow. We stayed about 30 min before throwing in the towel and heading to Kung Fu.

 

Turns out Kung Fu is the main place everyone still goes on Washington. We even ran into ex-intern Matt!

 

All in all it was another great night with the girls. Lots of good and sketchy memories were made!

"What Do You Want To Bet? Your Soul?"

I didn't have plans Friday night, so when Kate mentioned that she was going to Midtown with some of the boys after work I hopped on it.

Kate hung out for a bit, along with her dog child Collin, but then went home and that left the boys +me.

I had no desire to call it a night so the 5 of us went back to Fletch's for some pool, cards, and magic tricks.

I did alright in my one game against Fletch, but I'm pretty sure he scratched on purpose so I could win. But I'll take it!

Then we played a round on bull shit, and attempted betting on hands of black jack. Every hand you lost = a swig of whisky from James' flask. Good thing I actually like Whisky, although I don't prefer it straight. But it was guy time, so I followed the rules.

Around midnight we decided to hit up Washington to dance. Daniel has appropriately nicknamed me Jungle Dance. haha.

We rolled up to 8 (a favorite spot a few years ago) and there were two people there. This isn't even an exaggeration. Two people other than the bartenders. I just cracked up and snap chatted it to B.

So we moved next door to Bricks. It wasn't even half full and the crowd was weird so we stayed for a drink and some awkward dancing.

Our last attempt to salvage the dance party was Roosevelt. Aaaannnnnndddd it was also half empty and no one was dancing. The bar is basically just a dance floor with a few tables around it. What? the eff. We didn't let that stop us, and instead took advantage of the spacious dance floor! The 5 of us danced like fools for the next 2 hours and it was awesome! Well, 4 of us...Stephen isn't a dancer.

James did try to get everyone in the bar to dance the last 15min (he seriously went up to everyone and tried to get them hyped) but wasn't successful. But he did mange to get into an arm wrestling match and win. So there's that.

I finally managed to drop the boys off, including a quick stop at McDonalds, and made it home by 3:30. I was exhausted but had the best time! I will always be down for boys night so long as they will have me!

The New Crew

I used to talk almost weekly about my love of QLF and and JesJess front row domination (and life domination, but I'm trying to be modest).

Jess, being married, followed the natural progression of life and birthed the most beautiful mini Steven and left a hole in my gym life. I was then a work out party of one for almost a year...BUT THEN it finally turned around when Kate and Rox decided to join my workout club.

It's so much fun knowing that at least one of them will be there every day when I walk in.

And I have full confidence that soon Rox & I will be able to bust out choreographed dance when we go out. (After going to a few classes, Taff is able to bust a few moves with me, and I love it!)

Vegas

Photo from Koj

You know you are either about to have the best or worst weekend of your life when you have to overcome so much to even get there!

Not many pictures were taken because sometimes you don't need evidence. I'm going to hit you with the bullet points because it's my fave way to recap. obvs.

• Flights canceled the afternoon before take off.
• Team worked travel: Booked a bus to Dallas, flights Dallas to Vegas.
• 1am - Board the bus.
• 6a - American Airlines informed me the travel card was rejected despite them not mentioning that the two times I talked to them before getting 45 people on a bus to Dallas.
• One of the new rookies put $15k worth of flights on his credit card. MVP? I think so.
• Lots of turbulence.
• VEGAS!
• Lunch then naps.
• Best roommates: Rox & Kate
• Longest.meeting.ever. 3-8ish
• pizza. get ready. club = Light.
• Vodka. Dancing. Redbull.
• Crazy. Blurry. Aggressive.
• Calgary.
• San Fran apologies.
• poking Tran Man. 
• Feathering Olly's face. 
• Rox reading texts in hilarious accents.
• Spooning.
• 6 stalker calls at 7:30a
• 3 hours of sleep.
• Spa time with Holls - compliments of Rick.
• Waffles. rumors. kojack.
• More pizza. switch to the Cosmo.
• Eating flowers at the Chandelier room.
• Girl time getting ready in the room. (one of the best memories from the weekend)
• Pre party with the boys = Speeches about how much we love our team and each other.
• Table at The Bank.
• More vodka. (I'm starting to think Vegas might only have vodka.)
• dance until you die. (or your feet die).
• Lost phone. (thanks for the help Max!)
• 3 more hours of sleep.
• Girl talk morning review...clothing optional.
• Breakfast - Brittany & Bennid crack me up.
• Reunited with my phone!
• Airport naps.
• delayed flight.
• Houston.

Photo from AnnMarie

"Are We Going To Have An Orgy?"

We kicked of Amanda's bday week with game night Friday.

The night was full of laughs, real talk, dance offs (I'll get you next time Stacy), and just celebrating Amanda!

Then it got weird.

Amanda had received the game ClusterFuck from her "12 Days of Bullshit" so we decided to give it a go. After passing out the cards and reading them I thought this was going to be a little weird. BUT it a collaboration with Cards of Humanity so I figured it must get weird in a good way, right? Wrong.

We decided to exile the game once we got to the step about pointing to the person you want to hook up with and if they were pointing at you then you win. (Still don't know what to do with the chlamydia card).

Considering we were playing with an expecting mother, a married couple, a dating couple, Amanda, and myself....we decided to call it quits before we ended up swinging or playing 7 min in heaven.

Awesome & Awkward Friday

A lot of this, flow, and jam happened this week.

• I kind of broke my iPhone (should be fixed next week), so I got to resurrect the droid. I sure have missed that "DROID" text tone. The best part? taking a walk down memory lane with my text history from Dec2012. That was a really good month for me.
• So glad to be back with my friends & family at QLF after Christmas break. I've taken way too many hard & fun classes this week.
• Which is why I need a boyfriend. Companionship? pass. Somebody to love? whatevs. Someone to massage out my knots and sore muscles? Yes! This is now my main dating motivation. So, anyone wanna put their hands on my body?
• I've been living in Mystic Falls every evening since Christmas. Almost done with my 4 season marathon so I can move on to Miami for some serial killing fun!
• Laura joined me for pump and flow this week. Now I need to convince her that she loves this more than crossfit.
• Had way too much time Thursday night, so I added a lot of "First Met" life events on facebook. What a blasty blast!

NYE - "Did we buy tickets to be murdered?"

Amanda, Katie, Taff, Me

This NYE was girls gone wild night out. 

The girls and I decided to buy tickets to a warehouse party Amanda's friend had heard about. I decided to trust their judgement and didn't even bother to look at the event website.

When we pulled up to a warehouse I def had my doubts....BUT it turned out to be safe (no one was murdered) and lots of the typical fun. The 80s cover band was pretty legit, and the DJ was, well, adequate.

We danced the night away and rang in the new year right - kiss and all.

It seemed like fun and games until we needed a cab. We called at 1 and by 2 it still wasn't there. It never came. Houston seems to have a cab shortage so we fought for one from about 2-3a. The problem was that the cabs were taking whoever was willing to throw the most money at them and not the person that ordered it. Amanda really wasn't having it so she took it up with a driver and ended up almost getting ran over while she took down his plates since he wouldn't give his number.  

It was pretty cold out (and made me wish I drank more so I wouldn't have felt it as much) so I worked some magic and managed to acquire two jackets because chivalry still exists. AND one of the jacket donors even walked down Washington, found a cab, and came back so we could share. I even got him to pay for our continued trip home. What? He had previously offered so I held him to it. I was feeling extra generous so I pretended to take his friends number and promised to text. I lied. It was like the hunger games out there, so I did what was necessary to survive.

We finally made it back to Katie's apt and ended the night/started the year with an episode of J'amie Private School Girl. I'm so glad I could introduce Amanda to the quicheness.

Stood Up

I haven't seen Croc in about two months so we made plans to hang.

His suggestions? Run and go for a late lunch. 

Yeah, I'll pass on that. So instead I sent screen shots of movie times.

He picked the movie, I picked the time. Hang was set.

After work I went home, turned on Netflix, and fell asleep sitting up. I woke up about 15 min before the movie and did a pretty good Fast and Furious impression getting to the theater.

I texted Croc about 5 min before it started to let him know I was almost there.
No response.

Didn't see him when I walked in, so I texted him as I bought my ticket. I'm starting to think he stood me up because I'm late and the movie has been going on for about 10 min.

He finally texts me back "Jessica I thought this was for tomorrow!"

I was so relieved and started laughing. Either way I was going to see the movie and wasn't too tore up about it. BUT I am glad it was just a miscommunication.

We ended up going to see a different movie the next night...and then Croc was a little late so I thought he was standing me up for real.  The eff is wrong with him?